I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
