I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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