aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
