I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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