Don't make out with my wife yet
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
