Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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