The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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