I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize