Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
