i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
you had me at cake vodka
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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