My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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