1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Randomize
