we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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