My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize