My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
