There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
