it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
