So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
