watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Just pee around me
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
