he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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