Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
