Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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