woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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