i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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