Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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