i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
