Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
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