he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
