i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
