My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
