Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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