I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
