I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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