I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
