I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
