Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
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