my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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