id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
