i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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