I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
