dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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