Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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