I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
