I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
