Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
