I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
