hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
