WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize