Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
you had me at cake vodka
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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