Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
