Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
