I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
