now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
