I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
