3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
is it fun? or sober?
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